I am Happy today....

This is the best word that describes me right now. 

I am happy! 

Here are the reasons...

1. I have deepened my relationship with God so much and a lot in just in this past week. I have missed it so much and forgot how much I needed that deep and meaningful love I share with my LORD! I look forward to each and of every moment of my life walking along with My Father. It makes me so happy to think about how much he has blessed my life with...

2. I am about to graduate from college...it is so weird, to think about how fast this time has gone. It seems like only yesterday that I was walking to my first class, Intro to Theater, nervous and excited all at the same time. I can't believe this chapter of my life is coming to a close but honestly I couldn't be happier. I am so excited for my future, and what it holds for me, but nonetheless I am enjoying my present more than anything.

3. I have an amazing family....I know people say that all the time but I really do. The other week in my TV criticism class (yes I know I am cursed to be in a class where we watch TV and then talk about it) we watched The Cosby Show, and some of the people in the class talked about how they couldn't relate to such a family show....but then I thought my family is just like that. We are close, and silly and love each other no matter what, I love my family so much and thank God for them every day. They inspire me and push me and I will always know they are there for me no matter what! They make me so happy every day.

4. I have a great man yeah yeah....you can sigh/gag all you want, about me talking about my relationship...but I am so happy with my life and He is a HUGE part of it. I won't go into any details, because you would probably get sick (yeah, we are that sweet/cute) but I will say this...last night at our small groups someone was talking about waiting for that one special person God has chosen for you...and I know that God chose him for me. He made him just for me, he is my one special person, and I thank God everyday for putting him in my life. He has blessed me with an incredible man and I am so happy we are together.

I am a very happy person right now...and I owe it to the above people but above all else I owe my happiness to God. He has blessed me and continues to bless me every day. 

Psalm 9: 1-2 " I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High!"

Well today has been a very lovely day....which is weird because I have never called a day lovely, mainly because that is a weird word to describe a day, unless you are an English Gentleman. Anyway...my day....not only was it gorgeous outside, but today I woke up feeling so at peace today.

Last night I did a lot of praying and reading of my favorite passages...and it might sound awful but I had forgotten how much reading and praying can give you peace....but it's not just peace it is hope. Hope...that no matter what happens that I will always have God by my side...even if sometimes I feel so distant to him I have ways of connecting to him and I know it will all be okay.

Even as I am typing I can't help but smile and have tears of joy in my eyes. I have forgotten how good it felt to know His love for me...I had forgotten how much I need Him every single day...I had forgotten that no matter what happens, no matter if my greatest fears come true and I end up a lonely, old woman with 100 cats...I will still have the 

LOVE OF MY LORD!!! 

I thought at the beginning of this post I would be too embarrassed to share that I had fallen from my complete love with God, but I'm not. I am glad because I know I am not the only one that will go through this. It happens to everyone, and I hope that someone is encouraged by my thoughts...even if the only person encouraged is me. Now my "fall" might not be that far, and I don't think it was, but it was a fall no matter what. I was not as close to God as I had been in the past, and that is the point.

I want to keep this feeling and this closeness going no matter what...and it will take a lot of gusto! 

And gusto my friend comes in large supply in this small girl!  

 Deuteronomy 31:6 "The Lord YOUR God goes with you: He will never leave you nor forsake you."

words...words...words

"sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!"

How I wish this were true. 

        So..recently some people have been hurt by my "blog" and that was never my intention, but I was hurt in return. Words are so heavy and come with so many different interpretations and on both accounts things were said that were hurtful....I am sorry to the person or the people that were upset by my words, but I was upset when I wrote them. I think people should say how they feel in a safe way, and that is what I was trying to do...vent in a way that no one would know who I was talking about, but in turns out that the one person did know and was hurt....and for that I am truly sorry. 

      

But I am not sorry for what I said, it was how I felt, I just should have chosen a different method to express my feelings.

Some words were exchanged on both accounts that were very hurtful and probably just puffed up due to the situation.

I choose to bear the "burden" of "hoisting  the white flag" first. Even now, there are words still floating in cyber space that are hurtful and just full of spite. I hope that forgiveness can be sought in both people....I know I will try my best at some of the things pointed out, and I hope the other will too. 

If further comfort on the situation is sought I hope we will both be able to act like adults and choose our words wisely, and discuss our feelings together.

I will never hold any of the words said against you, and I hope you will do the same...

~For today, we start anew...making new paths, new fortunes, and most of all a new future~

I wish...oh I wish....I were 8

Tonight on ABC Family one of my favorite movies was on....Titanic! Now I know what you are thinking, I am a girl so of course I am going to love a "love story" but really its one of my favorites because it is the first movie I remember going to with all the women in my family. I felt so grown up going on a girls night to the movies and being only about 8 it was a HUGE privilege I was considered old enough to see this movie..one because it was PG-13 and I was again only 8, but mainly because I never got to go on the "girls nights" with anyone. My girls nights consisted of chuck-e-cheese, grilled cheese, and Disney sing-a-longs (not that that has changed a lot...)

Now to be honest I don't really recall who was with me when I saw it (I was only 8) apart from my mom, and my meme but the point is....I will always associate this movie with being somewhat of a grown up..and right now in my life I am having trouble grasping the fact that I am actually becoming a real grown up....

Its crazy to think about when you are younger and all you really want is to be older..you want to be able to do whatever you want, go wherever you want, and be whoever you want..but then once you are on the horizon of actually being able to do all that; all you really want is to go back to the way things were when you were 8....when the biggest choice you had to make was if you wanted the crust on your sandwich or off, or whether you wanted Barbie was going to wear a pink or purple dress to the ball...but now when I am about to make some major life decisions I am stopped in my tracks...and all I want is to regress into my 8 year old self...

but then I remember why I like being an adult...

1. I LOVE driving myself places

2. I like being able to buy people present for holidays/birthdays with my money (even if it's not much)

3. I like being able to choose where I go

4. I like the thought of having my own place soon

5. I love that fact that I have a great man, that I see a future with (in the future)

6. I like that fact I can think of our future now without being told "you have to be an adult to think like that"

7. I love that fact he is content with right now as I am, and we agree the future is in the future 

9. I like being able to purchase things I normally couldn't (even though I don't purchase any of those things)

9. I like that fact I have options in front of me for a career

10. I like that fact that one day I can see my self with a family, just not now

11. I love the fact that I have big choices in front of me, even if I am terrified

12. I like the fact I have awesome friends

13. I love my being able to do crazy things with my family

14. I love that fact my relationship with God has grown just like I have

The fact is: you can't stay 8 forever...you have to progress and change, otherwise life would not really be something to live, and as I grow older I realize growing up isn't that bad. Yes things will change, yes there will be times it won't be all rainbows and butterflies, but without change where would we be? Stuck as a never changing, never growing 8 year old....and who really wants to be 8 forever?

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

well hello there....

Well this seems a little awkward,talking to no one...but I am going with it. It seems like most the people I know have a blog, a place they go to let out their thoughts and feelings.I have had this account for quite sometime but I have never felt like my thoughts were all that "reading worthy" but my life is headed for some big changes soon, so maybe it will be interesting. 


"I am about to graduate from college...I can't believe this is happening, I am not a grown-up! I am not ready to have a "real job!" I am not ready!!" This minor "freak out" goes through my mind at least once a day. I still feel as if I only graduated yesterday from High School and now I am about to be thrust into the world of 9 to 5 jobs, business lunches, and who knows what else! It scares me, because how do you know if you are truly ready? How do you know that once the floaties are off you won't sink...how do I know I am ready? Is it a feeling or are you just supposed to jump and hope you don't fall flat on your face? How do you know when you are ready to take on the world? How do you know you won't be a total loser in life...how do you know what lies ahead? How do you know if you will be able to triumph over the obstacles that lie ahead? 


      I guess the real question is...does anyone ever know? 


I suppose not, because then what fun would life be? If you always knew how things would turn out you would never truly enjoy the real meaning of life. But how do you keep from having an oscar worthy melt down every time your life is about to change? 


     It's hard...but no one ever said life would be easy....


I guess the best way is to lean on what is around you. Like family, friends, that one person who makes your heart melt, but most of all God. I have a confession, my relationship with God in the past has not been what I would really hope for. In the past years I tried to lean on anything but him and I soon realized he is the foundation for everything else to stand on. Without him everything will crumble to the ground. And until recently everything had been crumbling...falling into pieces..even though no one really seemed to notice, I did. I knew I was not where I wanted to be, I knew I need him and knew all I needed to do was say how much I needed him and I would start to be ok....but here is a secret...I am stubborn. Yes I know if you know me that is no secret..but it's true I am stubborn and did not want to ask for help. But time and time again after many failed attempts to give in and ask for help, to give up control...I finally succeeded, in step one...acknowledging I need God more then anything else in this world.


Now I am not saying I am completely free of being stubborn, or that I have let go of trying to control my future, and learned how to stop all melt downs in their tracks...but I am heading in the right direction. I am on my way to letting go, and letting God take complete control. So I may not know what lies ahead of me in the next steps of my life...but I do know I will never be alone and I will not be led astray. 
            
                So get ready, get set...and let God! 


2 Corinthians 5:9 "We live by FAITH, not by sight."